JD: How are you doing? DHN: Doing okay.

JD: Ya?

DHN: I hooked up with a crazy bitch. I gotta get rid of her.

JD: Hooked up with a crazy bitch? What's up?

DHN: It's like the song, "Crazy Bitch". Hahahaha. That's about it. I gotta get rid of this.

JD: Why are you so successful with women?

DHN: I don't know. I keep trying to dump her and she keeps coming back. She breaks into my house and she's there waiting for me and I'm like, "No way man". I can't help it. Than she died on Monday, literally.

JD: What?

DHN: She hit the floor, pulse stopped, and her breathing stopped.

JD: Jesus

DHN: I hit her in the chest, CPR stuff, and she came out of it. Than I nursed her-

JD: Is that drugs?

DHN: Um. More of a hydration . . . a rundown, she didn't get enough sleep right.

JD: She died because of lack of sleep?

DHN: And stopped to go to the bathroom and collapsed. Wham. And I went "Holy fuck".

JD: Ya, no shit man. So, where were we here. DHN: I can't remember where we ended up.

JD: I think you were . . . you were 27.

DHN: Okay . . .

JD: Ya. Okay I can just ask you some questions if you want?

DHN: K that will work. Ya.

JD: One of them is, how are you so successful with women?

DHN: I wouldn't call this one a success.

JD: Ya this one.

DHN: Cause I got a good sense of humor. I'm not a bad looking dude. You know what I mean?

JD: What about the bad boy angle?

DHN: That to, and I've got a bit wrench. Works every time. Hahahahaha.

JD: So would you say more handsomeness or badboyness?

DHN: Probably a little bit of . . . I got a good side to that they see. They see the good side of me. That . . . initially it's the bad boy, good look thing that gets it going. That attracts them. And then um - then I get to - start to care about them obviously and then um, it kind of changes than they see the other side of me. Than they get hooked on that, cause they got a big teddy bear. I'm very protective of them. I won't let any harm come to them. So they feel safe with me. When they're with me, I've been told they feel really safe, everyone I've been with. Cause I've never hit them. I never hit a women.

JD: Which is odd considering your childhood.

DHN: I just can't. I can't bring myself to hit a woman. It's just not proper.

JD: Seems like it's part of your code of honor.

DHN: Ya.

JD: What would your code of honor be?

DHN: You never - never screw away - Never screw over any of your friends, or friends of friends. Never do anything that would jeopardize that. You know what I mean. Have respect for people, initially - um - It's changed now, now I try to give everybody respect, even if they don't deserve it.

JD: Why did that change?

DHN: Cause I found God.

JD: Ya?

DHN: Ya. So now things are different like I don't crime anymore. I'm not involved with crime or anything cause I found God.

JD: When did you do that? DHN: Five years ago.

JD: Five years ago. That was in prison I guess?

DHN: Um . . . 2007, roughly. But I always believed in him, I just never . . . I don't know, I never really took that on. So now it's different, so now I can't go do crime. Cause I can't . . . I just won't do it. I'll suffer through whatever, you know, hardships, and I know cause I have faith he will take care of me, and things will be taken care of. Roof over my head will be paid for. The food in the fridge will come. And the money will come. So now I live more on faith than I do self, I don't rely on me as much as I used to.

JD: Holy cow dude.

DHN: Now I rely on God. It's like ,"Okay, I know I got this and this and this and this coming up, and I have faith in you". Like I just landed a 72 hundred dollar quote, I got another 38 dollar quote, I got 12 second cups, (inaudible) and that's all personal.

JD: Wow

DHN: For me.

JD: That's -

DHN: That's my own payout. Than I got cooper stuff, and I work for another guy. Now we're getting ready to jump out of the one company and go to another company and start 30 bucks an hour. So that's good.

JD: That's very good.

DHN: You know that's like . . . 'bout 70 000 a year. JD: That's incredible dude.

DHN: That's good. You can live on it. Hahahaha

JD: Ya, you can live on that. Plus, you know, it's all legit.

DHN: . . . well, you know where it's coming from. It's coming from God, right. So, I haven't been tithing, I have to start doing that, and then get back the relationship. Cause I've been letting it slide, right. It's - I notice that things are starting to go to shit, cause I'm not - I haven't been paying enough attention.

JD: How are things going to shit?

DHN: I've just got to focus more -

JD: Like with the girl and all of that?

DHN: My anger. Garbage. Habits. Like, it's hard to turn around. I'm reading the bible more, praying more. You know, and stuff like that.

JD: Ya.

DHN: But than I'm hooked up with this crazy bitch.

JD: Ya

DHN: So that's - I don't think he likes that too much aye? Hahahahaha.

JD: I don't think so. No, not at all. It's - How do you feel about your-

DHN: (incomprehensible)

JD: . . . How do you feel about your mother today?
(pause)

JD: How do you feel about your mom today?

DHN: Well, she's my mom. I love her, right. And I forgive her. For all . . . it wasn't her fault she was probably raised up all fucked up to, right. And that in turn gets passed on from generation to generation. It's like a generation curse type of thing, right. And, you've got to break that chain. So I hope I've broken it. Well I don't have any kids. I didn't raise any kids up so, I won't know till I raise a kid. Maybe I'll never raise a kid. I don't know. (pause) I doubt it, I'm 46, kind of late now. The kid will be 14 and I'll be 60.

JD: Ya

DHN: You know it just doesn't add up, right. So . . . fuck it. Hahahahaha. (pause)

JD: Do you believe you became a better man than your parents intended?

DHN: Um, I don't think I'm living up to my potential right now. I'm fucking around. I've been using a little bit of dope now and then.

JD: Ya, how is that?

DHN: I just gotta stop, right.

JD: Ya, you've struggled with dope for a while.

DHN: Ya, it's not a steady thing, but it does screw you up no matter how much. Like when it's - even if it's not a consistent thing, it still screws you up. Right?

JD: Ya.

DHN: So I need to put that away. I'm planning on going to meetings everyday. You know, church or meetings. Everyday. Seven days a week . . .

JD: Ya well, it's hard to give up man -

DHN: and then I'll be okay. That's the plan. And get rid of this crazy bitch. Especially if you've got a crazy bitch coming over and throwing it on the table, (impersonating her) "Hey honey, here" (impersonating his lack of words in the situation) "errrrrrrrr" Hahahahah.

JD: shit.

DHN: Than she disrobes and I'm like, "I'm in" Hahahaha. (pause). She's had it rough too, but I can't help her. I got to get out of this. She'll killing me bro.

JD: Ya sounds like it.

DHN: I even went to church with her today and we had a talk I said, "Listen, you do this again. Beat it." And then she's, "I'll be here when you get back." I had to do a service call, right. I come back. She's gone. I'm like, "oh fuck". So I can't live like that.

JD: No man.

DHN: I've got to pack it in and tell her to go. Just out of self respect I've got to tell her to go.

JD: So -

DHN: Than she's like, "Well, if we're not together this way can we just be fuck friends?" Hahahaha. "I'll just come by and get your . . . you know, once in a while, is that okay?" I'm like, "Damn". Cause she's like hmmm hmmm (uses hands to show size of breasts, than rubs hands together), it's hard to say no. Hahahahaha.

JD: So are you going to do that?

DHN: Um . . . I don't think I should have anything to do with her. I think I should just write her off. That's . . . yep.

JD: That sounds smart.

DHN: It's going to be hard cause she's starting to get a little better. But, I don't know . . .

I can't do it. I've got to get the fuck away. (pause) And I like her mom, her mom's awesome, she's a really good Christian lady. And I'm going to, what was it, recovery meetings with her as well. It was a new thing I joined, and they do spinal alignment, and it's a life recovery groups. It's like a neighborhood, all the people just gather. It's like an AA meeting only not, it deals with mental disabilities, physical disabilities, as well as addiction.

JD: Cool

DHN: It's well founded and cool. And they actually - going to - trying to irradiate homelessness as well so I'm like, "Holy shit. Okay. I guess I belong here."

JD: Ya

DHN: So I've stayed with that.

JD: So we talked a little about how you struggled with drugs.

DHN: About what?

JD: When you started drugs.

DHN: Ya.

JD: Ya.

DHN: Oh awesome. Thank you. (plate drops in front of DHN). Oh boy am I getting fed good. Thank you lord. Hahahaha. Oh man, your mom and can cook awesome I tell ya. JD: I know man. I know. So, when did it get to be a really bad problem, the drugs? When did you realize that?

DHN: Well at first you use it as a - it's like a tool at first cause I was so insecure as a kid. I was actually terrified of women. I couldn't even talk to them till I started drinking at 12
. . . 13.

JD: Ya.

DHN: Liquid courage.

JD: Than you moved out at 15 so that helped a lot.

DHN: And then I . . . ya. And then I got to sleeping with them and I'm like, "Fuck ya this is great." Than I no longer had a fear of women. That's how that started. I'm not scared of them.

JD: Do you think you were scared of women cause of you ma?

DHN: . . . Pardon?

JD: Do you think you were -

DHN: No not anymore, but I used to be terrified of them.

JD: Do you think it was cause of your mom though?

DHN: Oh ya.

JD: Afraid they were going to try to stab you?

DHN: Ya, you never know. (pause) And the fear of being physically, not just physically, but emotionally abused and all that shit. Cause it wasn't just physical, it was emotional it was . . . the whole spectrum.

JD: Ya

DHN: If you heard the way we conversed back and forth it was disgusting. No son and fa- mother should speak to one another in that text. And ah . . . I still have that in me. If I'm hooked up with a girl and I care about her, and she inflicts pain on me, I can lash out like a rapier tongue. I can inflict pain on her just by talking to her. And it's kind of - it's a bad thing. A character defect I'm trying to work on. I have to take all this shit on and start counseling and everything else. But . . . fuck. It'll ruin my whole fucking life. Anyway -

JD: What?

DHN: It will ruin my whole life basically. That shit. But whatever, I'm still here. I'm still alive. I'm still ready to take out whoever comes my way. Hahahaha

JD: Ya man, and you're doing well.

DHN: I've got to try, instead of thinking of me, like I said, just focus on God. And I feel that if I focused on God and make it all about him, than everything will work.

JD: Not a bad plan.

DHN: It's the only way to go. I can't do it alone. So, I've got to give it to him. (lifting his arms) Here, it's all yours man.

JD: Ya.

DHN: Cause I'm at a pivotal point right now, I've just gotta - It could turn right bad, like right now, or it could be really good. It's one of those pivotal things in your life, and you have to go the right way or you're fucked. So that's what I'm trying to do.

JD: Like with the drugs?

DHN: Booze too I'm pretty bad. Well I drank a fucking 30 beers and a half of a 2/6 of gibsons in one night.

JD: Jesus

DHN: All in a span of 5 hours. I still walked and talked and made it to work the next day. Hahahaha. I don't know how I was still tanked in the morning. And all that drinking and shit is not cool. So, I'm shutting the shit show down.

JD: Why do you do it? DHN: Hmm?

JD: Why do you do it?

DHN: I don't know. Habit. JD: Just a habit?

DHN: Just a force of habit. It's just somewhere where I feel - it's weird, sometimes I'll be bored and I'll go get drunk. You know, I'll go to the bar. It's kind of cool, I'll go to the bar and I know which bar to go to and I got 2 or 3 girls hitting on me as soon as I
walk through the door and I'm like, "Hey (pats his chest) still got it." Hahahaha. Kind of cool.

JD: Do you think it's a -

DHN: It's socially acceptable you know. Whatever.

JD: And it's a lot of boredom right? Boredom's hard. Especially with the life that you led.

DHN: And loneliness too. Cause I don't really have a significant other in my life. This one here, whatever, she's a piece of ass. Period. A good one, but still not worth the headaches. Cause I kind of fell for her, and that's not good. And she fell for me but . . . whatever. She's too fucked up. So I got to get rid of her . . . or die.

JD: Or die. I'm sure you've seen a lot of that with drugs.

DHN: Oh ya I've seen a lot. My best friend died in my arms.

JD: Tell me about that.

DHN: We were friends from the age of ah . . . 14, so in like 1980. We became friends in 1980, and we stayed friends right through until it was about '96, and he died. I went to a party he was at and I went and got some heroin and I looked at him, he was drinking, so I go, "Okay". So I mix them up, we were banging it, so I turn around, and I did my half at that point and I go, "Okay, only do half of what is there. Wait ten minutes. And if you're not where you want to be do the other half. But if you do it all at once and it's too much you're dead." And he didn't listen. I went to take a piss, came back and his lips were blue and he was dead. And . . . fuck . . . it was bad. (pause) So that's shit. And I've had a lot of my friends - there was ten of us growing up, there are only two left, the rest of all died from ODs, stabbed, shot violently. It's all been violence or drugs for all of us because of the lifestyle we had. There is only me and one guy left alive, the rest are all dead.

JD: When did you get out? DHN: What do you mean?

JD: When did you decide to get out of the violence and the drugs?

DHN: Um . . . that happened in probably 2006 or '07, ya about 2007. Your mom and dad came, I was in jail, and they came to the jail. When they got in there it was different, it wasn't the normal thing, they were actually trying to converse instead of preach. And I kind of looked at your dad - I looked at your dad and was like, "Man, that guy looks pretty peaceful and content. I want what he's got." So the only way to get it is through God so I started pursuing God, and here's the result. I've got a good job, and I've got a bright future ahead if I aim the right way, like I said, and follow God I know that I'll have everything I need in life. Everything will be provided. That's all I got to do.

JD: Do you miss it? (life of crime)

DHN: Sometimes.

JD: Do you miss the rush?

DHN: Ya. Ya, sometimes, and the power, you know I had a lot of power at one time. I could make a phone call and have your house blown up. Someone would pull up and blow your house up or shoot you or whatever. Or I'd shoot ya, pull out a gun "fuck you" (impersonates gun) bump. Shit like that. I was carrying around mags, mac 10's, .9 mm's, .32 brownings semi-automatics, hand grenades, plastic explosives, rocket launchers. I could get anything I wanted. Get on the phone, "I need this" okay (impersonating a explosion) beeeeewwwww, Yeeha. Hahahaha. That's a rush. I felt like Al Capone or some shit. Then people feared me because of it. It wasn't really respect; it was just straight up fear because of the backup I had. I could make one call and they would vanish. Shit like that. Walking away from that was hard; I did it because I was public property. When you're involved with that kind of shit, organized crime, you become public property. You're under surveillance basically 24/7 by the cops. There's a squad - they had a 52 man squad on me for two years.

JD: Ya we talked about that.

DHN: And that sucks man. They know how many pieces of toilet paper you use to wipe your ass. It's no good. Hahahahaha. So I gave up that, but I still dabbled. I did this and that. Armed robberies and bla bla bla, but I just don't want to go there anymore. It's done.

JD: You want to be content?

DHN: Ya, I just want to be happy, content and that's it. I don't want the world I want what I need. Needs met, that's all I need. That's where I'm at.

JD: Do you think that's why it's hard to give up the drugs, cause you missing the rush?

DHN: Um . . . I don't know what it is with that. It's like I think about it and it disgusts me, and then another time I think about it and you know - when you're with a chick it's different to . . . it's fun. Hahahahaha. That's a rush. Ohhh baby. Hahahaha. Anyways, I've got to stop doing that. But ya it's - ya - I've got to cut it out. I know that. But ya - I think it's partly to do with the rush, the lifestyle, you know shit like that. But it's time to put that to bed and move on. Like I said I'm at a pivotal point now and I want to get involved in the same stuff your mom and dad do. I want to give back in there (pointing insinuating the prison), and try to help people in there so they see they don't have to be there. They can change. I did it. They can do it if I did it. If I can do it anybody can. So that's where I want to go with that, eventually.

JD: Eventually

DHN: Ya in my heart I'm ready, but I'm not ready yet. You know what I mean? I still have to take care of me a little bit more before I can actually commit to something like that. I've got to work on myself, and get all with recovery and like I said focus on God. I figure if I do that for a year, I'm not going to put a time frame on it, it could happen in a month where everything is all cool and I'm ready to roll. I don't know, depends on how fast he wants it to happen. That's not up to me, that's up to him. I put it in his ballpark so lets see what happens. It's his time not mine.

JD: Do you still see your folks?

DHN: I talk to them on the phone regularly. I visited them this summer. There were supposed to - they are supposed to come to (edited out) this summer. So I got to put in the futon so they can sleep in the house. I'll give them the bedroom. I got a new bed, king size I just picked up. I call it my playground cause it's so frickin' big. If you're with a chick and you roll them around, yeeha, you don't run out of space. Hahahahaha. It's fun. That's another thing I need to work on - I guess - I don't know. What the hell, I like sex, so what there is nothing wrong with that. It's all good.

JD: I'm just wondering about the relationship with your parents now considering what happening. Cause you went through a high level of cruelty.

DHN: Ya, I describe it to councilors and they told me it is nothing short of a horror story. I was also told it would take 20 years of counseling to get over it. And I don't believe that. I think if I can put it to God he can - it's almost gone, I've got a couple more things to deal with, but that part of it - I can feel the healing now cause I addressed another part of it. It just came up cause of this girl. She stirred shit up then boom. Shit flew out that I didn't know was there. I hit a guy in the head with a pair of channel locks and almost killed him, and shit like that. This was in a fit of rage and I was straight as a pin, I wasn't drinking or doing drugs. I black out when I get angry, so I need to address that cause that scares me. I'm going to end up dead or in jail. I don't want to go there so - I didn't know it was there until now. I thought I just got finished sorting that out. I had no clue it was there. I thought I dealt with this shit. It turns out I didn't deal with it so now I have to address it, and I am addressing it. I'm praying over it everyday. I can feel that change occurring inside. So I think it's being resolved, but he's doing it. That's kind of cool.

JD: That is very cool.

DHN: Fucking aye. You just got to have faith and then everything works.

JD: Is that what gives you joy?

DHN: Ya. Big time. Sometimes I get drunk off that.

JD: Really.

DHN: It's awesome man. I get this (mimes explosion) than I'll be driving down the street going, "holy shit" and I've got to pull over. I feel like I'm drunk but I'm not, it's just the Holy Spirit and that shit. Man, what a rush. That's better than any dope I've ever done. I'll tell you.

JD: Really.

DHN: So if I could have that constantly every day I'm cool with that. Just keep it coming. Hahahahaha.

JD: That's cool man.

DHN: I've gotten all of this for a reason. You know - I can actually feel people's feelings inside. You know, I can actually feel what they do. It's supposed to be some spiritual gift or something. I don't want to call it a gift or a curse, I don't know but anyway. Not everyone but I can pick up on some people. If I'm talking to them I can actually pick up what's in their heart and it's really - sometimes it's scary, sometimes it's not but . . . it's a gift. So I'm supposed to help people out I think cause that's part of it. I don't know.

JD: That's cool man.

DHN: Ya, so I want to do what he wants me to do. Instead of doing what I want to do cause if I do what I want to do I just end up in shit. So I'll do what he wants and I won't end up in shit anymore. I'll up a destitute with no food in the fridge and . . . fuck it. Whatever. Heart ache cause of stupid bitch. Actually, I don't feel any heart ache. I was kind of depressed till I got here and I'm okay now. I feel better.